What is Relevant in This Moment

A craving for connection with deeper shadow self. Allowing the lower primal reaction to arise. I am stuck in this place. I have refused to leave the bliss of spooning with awareness to go outside of this comfort. In this moment that bliss is fading. I am in a state of flux, contraction and expansion. Like a beating heart. I am tensing and pushing out toxins, but the tension is not in stasis and the next phase begins. When the inertia thrusts me open, it all comes flooding in. If in this transparent moment I would invite the healing in I could embrace the idea that the duality of the experience is the lesson. As I am drawing within, squeezing tightly becoming hard, if I fall into fear of what will enter me in the moment of the opening I lose trust in the process, I miss out on participation with the hardening that leads to the knowingness of how strong I can be. If I lose focus on the journey in the state of rushing into the fullness of opening I fail to receive the spaciousness

And so I fall into the dizzying dance. In and out of bitterness towards you. Inside of the story... seeing only through a lens of judgement. In the whirlwind of this process I trip and fall over fear, over excitement and realization, coming into moments of balance, awakening and gratitude. The chaotic evolution of shifting through heartache, betrayal, pain, forgiveness and becoming more honest with myself. Becoming more comfortable with authentic frailty. I unfold and it is dizzying nauseating. There are moments of stillness and reflection that grant me the gift of seeing clearly through the muddy waters and in those moments my heart pounds with eagerness to engage life fully, then muddy waters rise and I gasp and chug down disgusting gulps of confusion and distain, acrid dismay and I know that this toxic sludge must be digested. I can only hope to vomit or shit this out soon. I don't want to hold on to this. I yearn to release it. 

I want to thank you for arriving to trigger this pain, for pushing me into this dark hallway so swiftly and harshly that I have no desire to turn around and go back to where you are standing. I do hope to find you once I reach the other side, with less vitriol in my stomach for you. I want to forgive you and engage you, but in this moment I keep falling into disgust, despair, disheartened sadness, anger. 

I am ashamed of the filth that I am leaving in a puddle on the floor, I don't want to experience this anger, this judgement, I want to leave this mess....but I can not simply deposit it here. As much as I would desire to forget about it, leaving it in darkness. Apathetic and complacent. I know this is not a responsible use of my energy and that I must take this and transcend it. How easy it would be to transcend without relationship. I could make time in my process to create ideas and use breath work and find my path back into the wholeness of becoming one with the breath. I must wade through it. This is only emotion. It is not real. Only Love is real. The emotions don't just leave because I want to choose not to see them, I let energy float and move through me as many times as I need to process the same damn thing. When it has been drained. It will have no power. I recognize the energy in motion. I observe it's destructive path and allow it the spaciousness to dissolve.

I want to take ownership of my own choices, those that created harm and to transform the attachment to my need for validation and to be right. I am here in this life again and again. I am shifting molding myself to become better and stronger more brighter in my light and acceptance of ‘other’ I know that I am God Loving and through that doorway is the true nature of this relationship

I am still angry with you. I still feel betrayed by you. I still look upon you arrogantly and judge your poor choices. I see your pseudo spirituality so clearly that it blocks my vision of my own. Where can I be more Loving and accepting? Where can I be more forgiving? Where can I increase my ability to compassionately detach to facilitate the process of conflict. As I work through this process I know we will have to speak once again for healing to take place. The interconnectedness I pray for. I understand you serve a purpose. I know it's not over. I'm not ready to interact. I'm still in the process. That is what is relevant in this moment, now. That this is the process. The pendulum swinging. Moving back towards center. Moving into the space of evolution.

The next chapter is coming. I can move into acceptance and spiritual awakening soon, but for now..... I must surrender to this so called...... chaos.