What Grief is Teaching My Imprisoned Forgiveness

When I hung up the phone with my Father I could barely feel the sobs pouring from my body. I felt separate from my physical form for a moment. As if I were deep in meditation observing the processes of the nervous system rather than experiencing the hologram. I am grateful for that brief moment of expansion before the collapse. The grief came on in that all consuming way, where the pace of the world around you seems like a highway or the wake of a speedboat flying by.... and you're stumbling to catch your balance, barely taking a breath to make sense of the distortion of spacetime all around you. The process feels like having to digest something you wish you never ate. Adam was gone. Memories. Attachments. Entanglement. Love. Loss. Heartbreak. Adam is gone. I was just thinking about him a few days ago.... and I could have let him know that. I did not reach out in that moment. I was thinking fondly of a period of time we had spent together and thought about letting him know I was thinking of him. I did not reach out.

So as I'm wandering through this dance of raw violent sorrow.... I begin to contemplate the relationships that I have had in the past couple of years that have been shed softly, burned to the ground like wildfire, postponed or put on pause. There are a few that still bind my mind and seize my perceptions in ego. I keep letting myself process these experiences gently, a little bit at a time. I do this so that I am capable of maintaining my ability to multitask 4 schedules worth of life into one, I tell myself. I don't have time to examine this part of my life, it makes me feel uncomfortable and......

Grief like this feels familiar. This process feels ancient. I know the shattered places are the spaces that let in the light. Here I am. Again. I take stock in where I am right now in my life. How balanced is my path? I honor this experience, the way loss amplifies gratitude for life... it is precious and I reflect on the shining gems, born of painful moments. Awakening. Unfurling. Innocence falling. Heart deepening.... deepening my appreciation for living....  and the drive to live the best life. The desire to live a great life of service, raising gratitude and Love.


 So.... instead of wandering in vain through the hedge maze of my mind ... I decided to step through into the secret garden of my innermost heartache. It's a new fucking day right? Fresh off the new moon in Leo. I sat down to write journal entry ... who knows what number... and I asked what needs healing? Which one of these ghosts do I want to invite here, in this moment and what came through was what the experience of my relationship with Jayne might have been showing up to teach me. If all storyline were to crumble, and the hologram simulation were to end.... what is the lesson?

Open heartedly communicate boundaries, desires and feelings. Honor the boundaries, needs, desires and feelings of your Lover. Show up. You deserve to be shown up for. Know what matters to you and constantly seek to learn what matters to her. Remember oneness. Discover new ways of perceiving relationship. Release attachment. Release entanglement. Conquer fear. Forgive the pain that was caused. It might hurt to transition from Lover to friendship, but be near her, it's good for you to remain LovING..... though you are no longer Lovers. In time, this moment will seem so small. In time death will claim you or will claim her. The future moments will be no more possibly available. They will be impossibly gone, forever. The same way that this moment is. The same way that the moment the thought arose about Adam came, and went by without me sending that infinite Love right then so that it could be received. It is meant to be received. It is what we came here for. Always. In every situation. No matter what the call for Love is. To give Love.

The Grief. The Grief says BE grateful, be present, and most of all Forgive. Don't keep the forgiveness inside for when you've sorted through it all... who knows if you ever will? Just fucking forgive it all right now, for this moment should not be sullied with bitterness. It serves nothing. It is there to teach you.... but you should strive to be rid of it as soon as you are able. Bitterness is like that cheap piece of plastic stuck at the top of a pair of chopsticks to trick you into thinking you are in control.... you know who is in control? Love. Yeah. Love is the law. Love is the rule. All is Love. Only Love is Real.

Thank you Adam. For showing me so much Love. Thank you heart for breaking open in such agony. Thank you Alanis Morissette for leading me back into the heart with your songstress magic.