What Grief is Teaching My Imprisoned Forgiveness

When I hung up the phone with my Father I could barely feel the sobs pouring from my body. I felt separate from my physical form for a moment. As if I were deep in meditation observing the processes of the nervous system rather than experiencing the hologram. I am grateful for that brief moment of expansion before the collapse. The grief came on in that all consuming way, where the pace of the world around you seems like a highway or the wake of a speedboat flying by.... and you're stumbling to catch your balance, barely taking a breath to make sense of the distortion of spacetime all around you. The process feels like having to digest something you wish you never ate. Adam was gone. Memories. Attachments. Entanglement. Love. Loss. Heartbreak. Adam is gone. I was just thinking about him a few days ago.... and I could have let him know that. I did not reach out in that moment. I was thinking fondly of a period of time we had spent together and thought about letting him know I was thinking of him. I did not reach out.

So as I'm wandering through this dance of raw violent sorrow.... I begin to contemplate the relationships that I have had in the past couple of years that have been shed softly, burned to the ground like wildfire, postponed or put on pause. There are a few that still bind my mind and seize my perceptions in ego. I keep letting myself process these experiences gently, a little bit at a time. I do this so that I am capable of maintaining my ability to multitask 4 schedules worth of life into one, I tell myself. I don't have time to examine this part of my life, it makes me feel uncomfortable and......

Grief like this feels familiar. This process feels ancient. I know the shattered places are the spaces that let in the light. Here I am. Again. I take stock in where I am right now in my life. How balanced is my path? I honor this experience, the way loss amplifies gratitude for life... it is precious and I reflect on the shining gems, born of painful moments. Awakening. Unfurling. Innocence falling. Heart deepening.... deepening my appreciation for living....  and the drive to live the best life. The desire to live a great life of service, raising gratitude and Love.


 So.... instead of wandering in vain through the hedge maze of my mind ... I decided to step through into the secret garden of my innermost heartache. It's a new fucking day right? Fresh off the new moon in Leo. I sat down to write journal entry ... who knows what number... and I asked what needs healing? Which one of these ghosts do I want to invite here, in this moment and what came through was what the experience of my relationship with Jayne might have been showing up to teach me. If all storyline were to crumble, and the hologram simulation were to end.... what is the lesson?

Open heartedly communicate boundaries, desires and feelings. Honor the boundaries, needs, desires and feelings of your Lover. Show up. You deserve to be shown up for. Know what matters to you and constantly seek to learn what matters to her. Remember oneness. Discover new ways of perceiving relationship. Release attachment. Release entanglement. Conquer fear. Forgive the pain that was caused. It might hurt to transition from Lover to friendship, but be near her, it's good for you to remain LovING..... though you are no longer Lovers. In time, this moment will seem so small. In time death will claim you or will claim her. The future moments will be no more possibly available. They will be impossibly gone, forever. The same way that this moment is. The same way that the moment the thought arose about Adam came, and went by without me sending that infinite Love right then so that it could be received. It is meant to be received. It is what we came here for. Always. In every situation. No matter what the call for Love is. To give Love.

The Grief. The Grief says BE grateful, be present, and most of all Forgive. Don't keep the forgiveness inside for when you've sorted through it all... who knows if you ever will? Just fucking forgive it all right now, for this moment should not be sullied with bitterness. It serves nothing. It is there to teach you.... but you should strive to be rid of it as soon as you are able. Bitterness is like that cheap piece of plastic stuck at the top of a pair of chopsticks to trick you into thinking you are in control.... you know who is in control? Love. Yeah. Love is the law. Love is the rule. All is Love. Only Love is Real.

Thank you Adam. For showing me so much Love. Thank you heart for breaking open in such agony. Thank you Alanis Morissette for leading me back into the heart with your songstress magic.

Plan & Pray Each and EVERY Day..... and Night

Nothing has changed my life more than making time to plan and pray every day AND night.

There is great power in developing habits, successful people have developed habits that support their growth, depth and development. There are books, courses, seminars and entire movies on this topic.... because it creates lasting change.

You know how it is... you read an article, get all pumped up and motivated and you try the suggestions out for two to three days.... then you lose that steam. Because you didn't turn it into a habit. Habits only take 21 days to form.

If you develop this one habit - PLAN/PRAY- EVERY DAY&NIGHT - you will be able to create lasting changes. Why? Because you are developing a skill which will allow you to act on your own behalf, from the place of true intention.... you will move away from the reactive and spontaneous 'go with the flow' chaos and into the consistent, organized, action focused, goal driven energy that allows you to manifest.

In Entrepreneur.com James Clear writes....
"We make a mistake when we focus on the goals rather than the system. When you focus on the practice instead of the performance, you can enjoy the present moment and improve at the same time."

If you develop the framework and set the boundaries for the substance to flow in you set yourself up to succeed. This does not mean that you can't be open to listening to the universe and follow the synchronicity - it means the universe will be more clear as you become more clear with how it responds to your efforts. So make this time for yourself, to get clear and to break things down. Have you heard about setting SMART goals?

My framework has been setting up each morning with a 'to do list' that stretches pretty much to infinity and beyond.

I look at this spanned out list of tasks, desires, goals, dreams, and break them down into specific, measurable, achievable, result-focused, time sensitive tasks. SMART goals. What would be of the most benefit to do today? What has to be done today due to deadlines? What could I do today if I have the time? I pull things off that infinite to do list and place them into my TO DO TODAY list. I plan out my day - how long will it take to accomplish each of these tasks, I dedicate specific time slots to those tasks.......then I pray.

BEGIN AND END ALL THINGS IN PRAYER

Prayer acts as a check and balance. It helps to guide me in what I may have forgotten in the planning of my day. It restores me to a balanced place and sends out a powerful frequency, vibrationally program for the reality unfolding. Taking my energy to the place of gratitude expands my heart in Love. In Love I reflect on all that I have to be grateful for. I send Love and healing to friends, family, Loved ones. This creates this spaciousness. This expansion within. I work in the field of forgiveness and ask God to help me to forgive where I am struggling to do. I pray for just a few minutes.... and then I might go back to my list. I might take something off or add something new, and sometimes... on the rare occasion I smile at how in synch my list is with my true high self, with the guide inside and I resonate with that. Love. It is just as important to repeat this practice in the evening. Taking time to reflect and atone, to evaluate and to redirect. At night you can look at all you were able to achieve and what is still left to be done. You can return to the prayerful place within, to that space where you can be with God. For it is my opinion that it is best to begin and end all things with prayer.....

An Exercise in Setting Intentions

Beginning each and every day with an intention is a powerful practice. It sounds pretty easy to do, but it can be overwhelming to decide upon an intention. For my daily intention work I have a tendency to use tools to bring about an intention. Guidance from a deck of cards. Leafing through a 365 day inspiration calendar. Asking for an intention to arise during my morning meditation. I like to allow whatever comes through to arise. 

There are times when I am doing some deep inner work and attempting to grasp a spiritual concept so I will choose a fundamental idea that supports that work as my intention. For example, if I am working with forgiveness... I might choose an intention supporting forgiveness work. "I find it easy to forgive others and to see their perception of experience from compassionate eyes." I might find it easier to forgive little things all throughout my day  with this as my intention and that it eventually leads me deeper into the heart space where I will be able to forgive what I perceive as bigger betrayals.

What about setting intention for a big event, such as the new year, full moons, new moons, the Equinox? It can be more difficult to come up with intentions when we are trying to prepare for seasonal changes. Don't fret. Don't get overwhelmed. You only need to create space and spirit will guide you in your own practice. I am sharing my own practice. May you find inspiration within it.

SET SACRED SPACE:

Walking through the doorway of my meditation room always feels surreal. It is as if I am leaving behind another world and going into a magical chamber. I can create that feeling anwyhere. It is the feeling of 'arriving' on your yoga mat, or the safe space of sitting down on your meditation cushion. Whatever you do to create sacred space is perfect. It can be as simple as sitting down under the stars. Take a few moments to do this. It will bring about a powerful vibration for creation. Creating a ritual invites the creative source energy that is always flowing through you to be the driving force, increasing your awareness and presence.

SVADYAYA: 

Research and Development - Grab your journal

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First things first. Know the layout of the land. If you're going to plan an excursion you check out the roadmap, you look at the terrain. This will help you to prepare. So take a few minutes to investigate what the experts are saying about the stars, the celestial energies, the time of the season, etc. Look to what the spiritual guides that you trust are sharing with the collective about what is happening in this moment. Take some notes! What stands out to you as important?

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I adore Mimi of Gaia Blooming! I enjoy the light that she is shining.... I usually listen to her guidance among some others. I spend a few minutes studying what the guides have to say, taking notes and then I sit in meditation, followed by reflective journaling.

MEDITATION BREAK

This can be brief. A ten minute pranayam. Whatever you need to drop into the heart out of the space of intellectual absorption. Studying turns on the intellect. Meditation turns on the heart. In order to truly know thyself one must be able to come into the place of the observer. Asana can also lead you out of that state of mind where you are reacting to everything and into the deep expansive place of the witness..... so take a few moments to drop into the heart and out of the mind in whatever way is calling to you.

SVADYAYA: 

Reflection and Self-Study

Me and the pen go to town on that journal. Getting honest. Knowing thyself. Observing.

Clearing out the dust and the chaos of the mental chatter through meditation prior to setting intention is essential for me. This leads me into the space where my intentions can come from the divine source energey I AM. It allows me to write intentions that come from the vibration of that which is for the highest good. This vibration resonates in harmony with all of existence. With the true nature of reality and therefore, is easier to manifest. This practice has brought me into leading a more fufilling life. I review my intentions from the previous month and evaluate if they are still valid, and what awakenings they have brought in. I look at the patterns unfolding and where I need to evolve. Trusting in this process I begin to let a list of messy intentions organically arise. Some making no sense, others perfect in their expression. 

PRAYER:

The Fuel for the Fire

I sit in prayer for several minutes and then return to the messy list of free flowing intentions.... to refine and create the best intentions possible. I enjoy Benjamin Riggs Prayer for Intention Setting.

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SET YOUR INTENTIONS:

Capture & Release

Write them down. Use the most beautiful handwriting. Place them somewhere special. Let the practice be intentional. Every word. Every breath. Let your intentions be positive. Let them leave room for miracles. Be absolutely unattached to the outcome. Release them to great spirit.

I would Love to hear your intention setting practice experience! How are you setting intentions for this upcoming season? What are your intentions?

What is Relevant in This Moment

A craving for connection with deeper shadow self. Allowing the lower primal reaction to arise. I am stuck in this place. I have refused to leave the bliss of spooning with awareness to go outside of this comfort. In this moment that bliss is fading. I am in a state of flux, contraction and expansion. Like a beating heart. I am tensing and pushing out toxins, but the tension is not in stasis and the next phase begins. When the inertia thrusts me open, it all comes flooding in. If in this transparent moment I would invite the healing in I could embrace the idea that the duality of the experience is the lesson. As I am drawing within, squeezing tightly becoming hard, if I fall into fear of what will enter me in the moment of the opening I lose trust in the process, I miss out on participation with the hardening that leads to the knowingness of how strong I can be. If I lose focus on the journey in the state of rushing into the fullness of opening I fail to receive the spaciousness

And so I fall into the dizzying dance. In and out of bitterness towards you. Inside of the story... seeing only through a lens of judgement. In the whirlwind of this process I trip and fall over fear, over excitement and realization, coming into moments of balance, awakening and gratitude. The chaotic evolution of shifting through heartache, betrayal, pain, forgiveness and becoming more honest with myself. Becoming more comfortable with authentic frailty. I unfold and it is dizzying nauseating. There are moments of stillness and reflection that grant me the gift of seeing clearly through the muddy waters and in those moments my heart pounds with eagerness to engage life fully, then muddy waters rise and I gasp and chug down disgusting gulps of confusion and distain, acrid dismay and I know that this toxic sludge must be digested. I can only hope to vomit or shit this out soon. I don't want to hold on to this. I yearn to release it. 

I want to thank you for arriving to trigger this pain, for pushing me into this dark hallway so swiftly and harshly that I have no desire to turn around and go back to where you are standing. I do hope to find you once I reach the other side, with less vitriol in my stomach for you. I want to forgive you and engage you, but in this moment I keep falling into disgust, despair, disheartened sadness, anger. 

I am ashamed of the filth that I am leaving in a puddle on the floor, I don't want to experience this anger, this judgement, I want to leave this mess....but I can not simply deposit it here. As much as I would desire to forget about it, leaving it in darkness. Apathetic and complacent. I know this is not a responsible use of my energy and that I must take this and transcend it. How easy it would be to transcend without relationship. I could make time in my process to create ideas and use breath work and find my path back into the wholeness of becoming one with the breath. I must wade through it. This is only emotion. It is not real. Only Love is real. The emotions don't just leave because I want to choose not to see them, I let energy float and move through me as many times as I need to process the same damn thing. When it has been drained. It will have no power. I recognize the energy in motion. I observe it's destructive path and allow it the spaciousness to dissolve.

I want to take ownership of my own choices, those that created harm and to transform the attachment to my need for validation and to be right. I am here in this life again and again. I am shifting molding myself to become better and stronger more brighter in my light and acceptance of ‘other’ I know that I am God Loving and through that doorway is the true nature of this relationship

I am still angry with you. I still feel betrayed by you. I still look upon you arrogantly and judge your poor choices. I see your pseudo spirituality so clearly that it blocks my vision of my own. Where can I be more Loving and accepting? Where can I be more forgiving? Where can I increase my ability to compassionately detach to facilitate the process of conflict. As I work through this process I know we will have to speak once again for healing to take place. The interconnectedness I pray for. I understand you serve a purpose. I know it's not over. I'm not ready to interact. I'm still in the process. That is what is relevant in this moment, now. That this is the process. The pendulum swinging. Moving back towards center. Moving into the space of evolution.

The next chapter is coming. I can move into acceptance and spiritual awakening soon, but for now..... I must surrender to this so called...... chaos.

Guidance of Shiva and Kama

Sawubona! This morning in practice, I took pause to invite guidance for the collective. I requested this offering in sacred space from The Sacred India Tarot. Here is what the cards delivered

THE CARD

The Five of Lotuses ~ Shiva Incinerates Kama

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THE SUIT TATTVA:

(Tattva: the five elements and building blocks of life and fundamental forces at work throughout nature. Prithvi:Earth, Jala:Water, Agni:Fire, Vayu:Air Akasha:space)

In this deck, Lotus corresponds to the traditional cups suit, associated with the element of water. Water connects us with the fluidity of emotion and the energy within us that flows. The bodies that house our divine consciousness are made up mostly of water. Water takes the form of whatever it is held by and it flows around obstacles. Water is soft, yet powerful. Think of the Grand Canyon. The impact that water can have. 

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THE CARD TATTVA:

The card of this suit corresponds to Akasha & Jala. Space and Water. This combination brings the fluidity, the purification and the ease of water combined with the expansiveness of space. The Akasha, Quintessence, is the 'essence' of all things in the material world, the first material element born of the astral world. Akasha's characteristic is of sound, vibration, shabda. That which gives space, creating room for the exitence of all. AKASHA.Space.JALA.Water. Spacewater! 

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THE DWARA REVEALS

The doorway: "The word dwara means 'doorway' or 'threshold'. 

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The dwara reveals....represents that the revealing of this archetype in the tarot initiates a transition for consciousness, thus opening a doorway to walk through, shifting perception, seeing a new view.

(Backstory - This card picks up in the midst of an epic tale. Prior to this scene Shiva, the Mahadeva, has exiled himself to go deep into meditation after losing his wife, Sati in a most terrible way. He is "cosmic consciousness that breathes the universe in and out of existence." Sati takes birth as Parvati and is serving in a wheel of karmic return. Her destiny, to marry Shiva seems impossible with his hermitage. With Shiva recluse, a power seeking deva,  who can only be killed by the son of Shiva, has grown in power creating havoc on the land....and so Kamadeva, the deity of desire is called in to create lust within Shiva - Kama shoots a burning arrow of desire into Shiva's heart.)

Shiva is enraged by the trickery of Kama, which provokes him to open his Anjneyu Chakra, third eye, seat of Viveka, the power of discrimination. Shiva sends a firebolt of divine retribution for Kama's insolence, incinerating him instantly...... Offering up a divine mystic truth: 
"Only being grounded in Consciousness can vanquish desire." 

This part of the epic tale represents:

• Triumph in the evolution of consciousness: "Desire can be recognised, denied and overcome." 
• Defeating the trust in power of lower nature - represented by Kama's attempt to pry Shiva from meditation with the physical beauty and desire of Parvati.
• The power of desire can not overwhelm Awareness.

THE INSIGHT: Make self-care a bigger priority right now. This card indicates that we may be out of balance, too focused on our desires.  Our work is in purging ourselves from the pursuit of anything valueless. By increasing our awareness of ourselves and tuning into any spiritual disconnect or depression we can awaken to the truth. Exposing our suffering to the light of awareness can be daunting, but it is always transformational.

We are being called to really be engaged in the PROCESS. To awaken consciousness and interaction in relationships. The teachers that arrive in our lives to stimulate us to expand or contract. The guidance of this card is telling us to seek balance between introspection, internal spaciousness and expansion in interaction with the phenomenal and material world. To be aware, discerning and present when engaged. 

This card is calling us out on our desires. Asking for us to check in with ourselves, to create the time and space for seeking inner wisdom and enlightenment, but to understand that to reach enlightenment is not a destination, it is a state of BEING. Being in the world. If we remain in the reclusiveness of seeking inner wisdom, we have missed the point. The dance, the Leela, between material and spiritual. The purpose in any given situation is for us to be the light. If we remain in the state of withdrawal we can not affect change, we can not experience, we must get off our asses and DO.

Sometimes we must have a complete and utter breakdown in order to achieve this. If you're falling apart, go ahead and let go....empty and purge. Create the time for that experience. Sometimes, we must lose everything we hold dear to awaken. There are times when the most wonderful thing that can happen to us is to be utterly drained, to be stripped of our defenses....to be left raw, open and vulnerable. To hit rock bottom, so that we may awaken to the truth that God is the rock at the bottom. Once we arrive in this place we can see how the external disruptive forces that surround us and pull at our attention. We can see our desires for what they truly are. We must see that the external can not disrupt the infinite wellspring of bliss that is our true nature. 

This card is telling us to seek the higher soul contract purpose of our situations and relationships. To see past the depression and overwhelm, to let go of our desire to retreat from difficult relationships, to retreat from the phenomenal material world, to release our desire for hermitage, and to connect. The hardest thing to do in this world, is to Love and BE LOVEd in return. 

So, go go BE LOVE....

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A Meditation on Acceptance

This year has been one tremendously transformational journey. Am I right?

In the last few weeks I have been working with the energy of acceptance. In this meditation we expand our awareness of how to find more acceptance by working our way through the Chakras. When difficult situations arise, we can move into the vibratory state of spaciousness and allowing. If we are able to enter this state we create an opportunity for a greater depth of the human experience.  Why is it that we suffer? Recognizing that peacefulness comes from our ability to surrender to the moment...... not in the getting of what we desire, but in the wanting of what we have. We create conflict in our lives by struggling against what has arisen within the present moment. Recognizing that our pain, anxiety, and suffering is born only from our denial or seeking to escape where we are and what is. We can alleviate our pain by recognizing. Simply recognizing this struggle provides immediate relief. When we step out of the shatteredness and step into the peace of embracing. The struggle and pain can only arise from within, peace can only come from within. Release the internal battle and the need to label and judge. Be open and receptive. Be with whatever arises. Use these affirmations throughout each chakra to help align yourself with the energy of acceptance. 

MULADHARA

In this chakra, the center of our trust and security, we can fall into deep seated fears about survival, and worries about the physical realm. Are you the type of person that clutters your day with menial tasks? Scheduling appointment, frantically running errands? When we operate from this space we sever our connection with source and presence. When we are focusing on all of the tasks that need to be done in order to maintain the chaos of living in the physical realm we can not focus on the beautiful moments. We are vibrating in a low frequency which can only attract more of that which has been created from a place of fear. Ask yourself, what is the quality of my daily experience? How total am I in each moment?

Focus your awareness on the root chakra. Sending the breath to the muladhara chakra. Place the vibration of this affirmation deep within your root chakra.

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 SVADISTHANA

Here in the space of giving and receiving pleasure we easily become blocked through attachment to the idea that we must cling to pleasant sensations and avoid painful ones. Knowing that experience in this sense perceptive form leads us into the fleeting nature, the ripples on the surface of our being. As these ripples become our focus we can become dizzy and have no idea as we are tossed around where the shore is.... but through the process of relaxing into the flow we are lifted high enough to see.... and we can gently descend into the still deep pool, the depth within you that is eternal, free from the chaos of expectation and judgements that are created by limited thinking mind. 

Focus on Svadisthana and allow the vibrations of this affirmation to be born within you.

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MANIPURA

Chakra of will and determination, self discipline. Personal strength and power. It takes a deep level of inner strength to be totally present in acceptance. The heat of digestion simmers in this chakra, we receive and digest all experience here – distributing that which is useful and sending out that which is not for elimination.

Focus your intention and awareness on this energy center and repeat these affirmations.

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ANAHATA

Surrender is the inner transition from resistance to acceptance. In our hearts this energy shift comes 

easily. Here we can easily soften and open ourselves to the higher realm of the spirit. Anahata is the bridge between physical realm and ethereal.

Focus your awareness on the sensations coming from heart center. The warmth building here in this 

energy center and repeat these affirmations.

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Visshudha

It is easy to become blocked in this chakra, when difficulty arises for this energy center is a powerful story teller. It is here that arguments and compulsions may arise in attempts to lessen pain or to maintain pleasurable sensations. Healing comes from embracing the moment, not the story created regarding the moment. 

Allowing and letting go. Settling in and sitting with whatever arises. Focus on your throat chakra repeating these affirmations

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Ajna

This space recognizes the truth in allowing, for it is here that we see truth from. In this chakra you are able to completely accept any moment without inner resistance or a state of conflict. It is here that you are deeply connected with consciousness, the spacious witness beyond thinking mind. Infinite.

Allow yourself to focus on the third eye center of the forhead and experience any truth that comes, repeating these affirmations.

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Sahasrara

This spacious and vast chakra connects us with the divine oneness and our true nature. It is here that we are able to recognize synchronicity and confluence through the storms of our mental and emotional fluctuations. It is a beautiful experience to surrender and allow, for it is when divine intelligence greater than limited thinking mind can flow through us! Stepping through the struggle and conflict to the open spacious awareness. Awakening beyond thought to the witness that observes the rising and falling of emotion and memory, judgment and analyzing. The divine conscious seed within all of us, recognizes itself in every moment and beckons us to embrace it.

My favorite affirmation for this divine chakra.... is I AM that - inserting that which you are replacing that. I will be speaking on the power of the I AM as a mantra soon.... so stay tuned. 

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Namaskar

In almost every yoga class I have taken, and any that I have taught... we bring our hands together over our hearts. In this moment, this gesture is so familiar that at times, I have been disconnected from the depth of the experience. This repetitive motion seems almost mechanical. When I wake to this state within myself I remember the sacredness of prayer. The truth in the vibration of it. The infinite power to create that comes in this moment. 

When I bring my hands together in the position of a prayer placed over my heart I unite the creative forces of feminine and masculine currents running through the left and right sides of my body, connecting them together in balance. In one gentle movement merging action and receptivity.

Standing in Tadasana, the mountain energy rises within me. The strength of being both utterly grounded and towering in the sky. I open my heart to receive. I open my hands dropping all that I have carried, all that I was clinging to, I set it all down so that I can be here. In this moment. With the breath moving into my chest, filling and expanding my heartcenter, I gather energy. My hands floating up towards the heavens, pulling the energy in through the center of each palm. My attention moving towards this gathering of energy, I have been sending out so much of it into the world, scattered chaotic, captured by the senses, dispersing it where I deem it is needed.. and this moment is my prayer to gather what is needed, to bring that energy, the infinite abundant energy back to the source, to the center.

I AM centered in this prayerful pause. I allow it to be simple. As simple as 'Let me be present in this moment' Drawing in. Drawing inside. Drawing intention, attention inside. Centering. Feeling this, NOW. Feeling the transition from shifting to settled in stillness....no longer any movement. I am not drawing away from, I am not leaning forward or reaching behind.  I am not Centering. I AM Centered.

Focus HERE. Breath by breath. Inside of each NOW. I connect body to mind to consciousness. spirit. Love. Light. Heartbeating the current, the energy of God. Nothing lingering. not even the breath. This moment is my prayer.